If only I'd taken heed of Cheesday's artwork advice

Surprisingly, eating copious amounts of mung beans isn't helping me vitality-wise. It just goes to show: you shouldn't believe the hype.

Lists ahoy!

It is well known that I’m a moaner. I whinge about everything. :
Someone who is copying me
My fancy men being too thick to realise that they’re my fancy men
Mrs Gatenby
All school work ever
Palestine
People who eat meat
War
Feminism
Newcastle
Music which isn’t supercool
Nail varnish
My dad being a wally
Etc....
But I have a new plan. What if I stopped whinging and realised that actually some things are lushness incarnate? Wouldn’t that be something to write home about? Crazy times, I know. So, here is a round up of all things good to brighten your life to the max.

1. Cardigans. Cardigans are so cool. Warm day that might get cold? Cardigan. Cold day that might get warm? Cardigan. It sounds stupid, but I actually love them. You can tie them round your shoulders and pretend that you’re a preppy American – japes unbound. Or, if you really want to mix things up, you can button them the wrong way. This method has split the nation. One view is that it makes it seem like your life is just so busy and filled with fun you don’t have time to put the right button in the right button-hole. The other view is that you’re channelling a gormless kindergartener. But, y’know, both portray you as really stylin’ so there’s not much to worry about on that front.

2. Getting stupid words into general circulation.
i. Lush
ii. Stylin’
iii. Cuwel
iv. Japes
v. Yay 4evz [two words, but no-one cares]
vi. Soz roc [also two words- get over it]
vii. Jeez
viii. Basoomas
ix. Sexform
x. Peehsees
There’s many more but I don’t want to go too far with this list because it will give away the next nice thing. So words... Hows about them? The main selling point of this selection is that, if you say them often enough, people pick up on them and it spreads across the world. For example, Julia ‘Babydoll’ Purivs said lush the other day. It rotted her soul to subconsciously admit how cool I am, but she was powerless to stop the word coming out of her pie-hole. Even better is when people say them to take the piss out of you but then it stops being ironic and is just part of their life [much like my love of Mcfly]. Yay words, yay.

3. Lists. How good are lists? Very-extremely. I totally inherited this off my mater. The best thing is discovering all of the fit as bullet points on Microsoft Word. Hearts, stars, smiley faces, pointy fingers, dashes, dots in various sizes... The list is endless. Woah, that was funny of me.

4. Chocolate dipped in a soya milk latte. Some people mock, but that’s because they haven’t experienced the wonder that is semi-melted chocolate and the slightly cocoa-ey taste that hangs about in the coffee. It’s a beautiful thing.

5. Chappsy bbz. English teacher to the stars. She’s my fave person ever. I love her. She’s the best. The stories about her cats, Natasha and Saskia will stay with me for ever. As will the question ‘who gives animals human names?’ Tuesday and I often imagine Chappsy bbz, Natasha and Saskia in amusing situations such as : At the theatre, strolling down the street in matching outfits, sitting around the table for afternoon tea, reading Thomas Hardy together... I could go on. These situations tend to end in tragedy when Saskia scratches Natasha in the face [based on fact]. Another reason for my Miss Chapman love is that she basically lets me get away with anything because I’m of an ‘arty temperament’. And she says ‘There is method in my madness’ all the time. Chappsy 4evz.

6. Patrick Wolf boys. Although often the bane of my life, these likely lads never fail to cheer me up. Do you spend most of your time applying your make-up, listening to electroclash, telling me how cool I am and putting a strain on my friendship with the Hammeister? If so you are probably a PWB. You might be Pulp boy, but probs not- that’s a special case.

7. Myspazz. Myspace was fun, wasn’t it? Let’s all stop ‘writing on each others wall’ and go back there.

8. High Bridge St- otherwise known as Supercool St, centre of the universe. High Bridge is mintage [eww, that’s not going on the word list]. Cheap vintage shops, RPM’s two for a fiver deal on records, getting scared by the patrons of the scuzzy pub who sometimes shout at us. Ahhh youth.

9. My year 7 buddy. Awwwwwww. I heart my buddy. She’s such a babe. She reads Jacqueline Wilson books and we share a love of Tracy Beaker. And she comes to drama club without me making her. And she always says ‘Hi’ to me. And she always laughs at my lame jokes. And she agrees when I bitch about Gatenby. And she complimented me on my two tone tights. I think I like her more than all of my other friends put together.

10. Tuesday, Eleanor, Venus and Elinor. I’m only friends with them because our first initials spell out STEVE.

Jeez, I'm so 100% happy now. I'll never whinge again.

A new low for the BBC

What is this going as?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00mq30z/Clever_v_Stupid_Glamour_Models/

Like, seriously, who thought this was a good idea?

'We'll get some nerds, right? And make them compete with pretty girls in short dresses.We'll make the tasks as ridiculous as possible under the premise of testing their intelligence on more than academia. But really it'll just be so the nerds can look awkward and the girls can slip in a bit of tit action. We'll fix the rounds so it's a tense half hour, but then obviously the nerds'll win or people will realize how much we're taking the piss. It's going to be brilliant!'

And people wonder why I seem disenchanted.

Bla bla bla, exams are to easy, bla bla, I read the Daily Mail

So, exam results are higher than ever this year. Could it be because teaching methods are improving? Don't be ridiculous, you immigrant-paedophile-lefty! It's obvz because exams are easier. So basically, my O level in food tech is representative of a lot more hard work than your ten GCSEs. That's why I'm qualified to write for this newspaper and make offensive generalizations about ethnic minorities.

Also, who wants to see my marks incorrectly documented in the never distasteful Journal Newspaper?

Double chins ahoy!

P.S. Check out that blatant hairstyle thievery. Back off, Hammy. I've been rockin' this look since year 5.

'Don't do to your mom what I did to mine'

Who wants to hear something freaky-deeky?

I just had an argument with my mater about how I relate to my dad [I won't go into it- it's not very interesting] and just after I'd sworn at her and she'd stormed off to whinge at her friend over the phone, 'I Can Never Go Home Anymore'- the song that tells you not to piss your mum off or she'll die of a broken heart and it'll be your fault- by the Shangri-las started playing on my last.fm. Subliminal messages from a 60s girl group? Judge for yourselves with this lovely extended remix which is more or less exactly the same as the original.

I'll leave you with this heart warming picture of me and my mum back in the days before I discovered back-chat.

I'm off to apologise [even though I was totes right] and maybe get her to tell me where she's hidden the chocolate.

Preparing for an unfulfilling career

My suit for 6th form came today. Dressing like a temp is an important part of the Church High experience because girls are only really cut out for secretarial work.

Mine's particularly stylish, obvz, but it does make me look about 25. The phrase 'waste of money' comes to mind. If last years upper sixth hadn't been so square and specifically asked for a stricter uniform [why?] I would have been able to spend the money on:

20 dresses from Breast Vintage, or
4 pairs of Office shoes, or
50 trips to the scinema, or
100 singles from RPM, or
20 albums, or
100 pots of Barry M Dazzle Dust.

[Yes, this is how I think of money. V capitalist.]

I hate you Gatsey bbz.

Ohemgee

Well, this could be very long and heartfelt, but it's not going to be.

LATITUDE :D:D:D:D:D:D:D
[Patricia Whale slipped out there]

So, yeah, I'm going tonight. Smell ya later.